The Hangover: The event so big, it needs title treatment. This posting is bound to get numerous accidental hits due to the same-named hit movie franchise, although the Hollywood condition was due to unknowing ingestion of large quantities of roofies. Still, those guys were drinking, plenty.

No matter: We’ll take it as it comes and dispense some sobering advice. Last time, we discussed beverage alcohol and its numerous effects on the human body: both positive and negative. This week, we delve into the abysmal day after: the much-dreaded, often inevitable state of affairs in which we find ourselves after a night of imbibing.

The vast majority of us have experienced, at least once, the powerful bout(s) of nausea, splitting headache, vampire-esque loathing of sunlight, aversion to certain smells, and noises that seem 1,000 times louder than we are comfortable with… all the while using our pasty dry mouth to curse the gods for not delivering a swift death on timely wings. The technical term for a hangover is veisalgia, purportedly from the Norwegian word Kveis, meaning “uneasiness after debauchery,” and the Greek suffix algia, which means “pain” or “suffering” (and is still common in medical terminology to this day). The German word for hangover is Katzenjammer — sounds pretty bad-ass!

Symptoms can vary in severity from mere annoyance to plague-like (ever said, “I’m NEVER drinking again!”?) and usually begin to rear their ugly head when your BAC reaches zero. There are a number of contributing factors to one’s katzenjammer. As we discussed last time, over-indulging will bring unavoidable aftereffects: Your body has been poisoned and will take some time to recover. There many supposed cures out there, but eradicating all symptoms and returning to your chipper self in a speedy fashion is simply not going to happen.

Still, there are some preventative measures a person can take, as well as a few day-after remedies that can help ease some of the pain. Getting into all the medical science of this beast will take all day and use up ten times my allotted space, but I will give a brief synopsis of a few.

Two of the most common symptoms are headache and dehydration, and they happen to go hand in hand. Drinking alcohol causes your pituitary gland to block your antidiuretic hormone, which makes your kidneys send all the water straight to your bladder instead of using it to hydrate your body. Here’s a sobering stat: Consuming alcohol causes the body to dispose of roughly four times more water than it absorbs, and even more through sweat (if you are tearing it up on the dance floor). Also, under intoxication, the body expels through urine many nutrients that it needs to function effectively. By morning, your body is so dehydrated that, in a panic, it sends out emergency signals for your organs to find water anywhere it can. This usually means stealing it from hydro-flush areas like your brain, which will actually shrink a bit and pull on the pain-sensitive connective membranes around it.  Ouch. Make sure to be well-hydrated before going out for an evening, and alternate drinks with a glass of water. In the morning, add a pinch of salt and sugar to your water, or drink a Gatorade or even Pedialyte to help replenish lost electrolytes, sodium and glycogen.

In accordance with the worst of hangovers, vomiting is often an issue. You can fight it for a while but, sooner or later, your stomach upset reaches intolerable levels and purges itself of its contents. This can be a blessing in disguise, as it will get rid of some of the bad stuff still sitting in your stomach and waiting to be processed. Excess alcohol consumption causes the stomach to produce hydrochloric acid, a damaging liquid in and of itself, and eventually the body has to rid itself of all of the bad stuff. Contrary to popular belief, burnt toast will not help you here.

While excess alcohol is being converted to an exponentially more toxic substance in the liver, many other harmful compounds are found in various liquors. These are natural by-products of fermentation and also of time spent in barrels. These include fusel oils and methanol, which becomes formaldehyde when metabolised. Light spirits and white wines contain fewer of these congeners and have been shown to result in fewer hangover symptoms.

There are many mythical cures, such as coffee (which will further dehydrate, and make you burn out after the caffeine wears off) and “hair of the dog,” which will ease some short-term pain by raising your BAC above zero — but it’s only a band-aid and you will still hurt later. That being said, part of me still believes a shot of Fernet Branca helps significantly.

A few things that will help out the morning after are eggs (if you can take the smell), multivitamins, bananas, fruit juice and, always, lots of water. You can take a few Aspirin if that is your thing. I prefer forcing myself to get a little fresh air. A warrior likes to breathe the world in after battle; it reminds him that he is still alive.

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Image courtesy of Steve McNicholas.